So it's 6:51 a.m. and here I sit in bed for the 7th day. I'll admit, things are better, but the fear is not. I don't think the fear ever truly goes away when you have stomach issues. The fear I'm talking about is having c-diff again. The fear of having to go through that, the fear of having to deal with another month of uncertainty, the fear of not being able to spend the time that I want with my family. So that is what is on my mind early this morning as my family gets ready to do their daily things while I sit in the bed again.
The constant running to the bathroom has slowed. I only go a few times a day now but still nothing is normal in those trips to the bathroom. Even though my c-diff test came back negative, there are always false negatives. There is this HUGE fear that has hit me like a ton of bricks. This fear has paralyzed me and I feel like I can't even leave my bed. All of this is crazy, because in between bouts of belly issues I feel ok. I could get up and do a few things but the minute I stand up I hear the low gurgle in my stomach and I am once again paralyzed in fear. I know that it's crazy, because the bathroom is nearby and I can run fast if needed. But there it sits, like I sit on the bed....fear.
It's actually kinda funny because I put up a tough act. I act like I can handle anything and most people believe it. But when it comes to this awful c-diff or anything poop related like this....I would rather crawl in a corner and hide from it. I guess surviving c-diff one time is enough to scare the pants off of anyone. The main thing other than the constant fear of pooping in my pants! lol...well, maybe it will be funny one day....is the fear of the unknown. What is this? One c-diff test was negative, but did they test for both strains? Did the person doing the test know what they were doing? I do not like the unknown...it is scary and horrifying.
It's amazing to me how one ounce of fear can send your world into a tailspin. I mean, this not knowing has scared me to the point of never wanting to leave the house. My goal for today is to move more. Whether that be move around my bedroom or get brave and go into the rest of the house, we'll see. Will update more later!
No comments:
Post a Comment